Velvet
by mevsmaradonavselvis
Summary: Pretty much AU."Maybe i should just leave love alone, you call out my name for the love you need, which you won't find in me." Naomi/Effy, Naomi/Emily.
1. so here we are

Effy.

You weren't looking for anything, though you never have and yet things always seem to find you. You don't try. Effy stonem never tries and yet where there's trouble and drama, whether it's yours or not you get warped in somehow. Fucking soap operas.

There's a party, one of your last in Bristol probably since you're a few weeks away from fucking off to uni, leaving all the bullshit that this place has never given you a break from. And even though you know that as long as where you go is populated there's always going to be bullshit, for once it won't concern you. You won't have to be the _fixer_ even though these past couple of years with your parents has only served to teach you that some things can't be fixed. But away from here, away from all who know you, there'll be no one that expects you to.

Maybe you can be somebody else. Someone who's not you.

You see her, and she's not that hard to spot since she's about the only person not parading around on the makeshift dance floor in the living room.

You watch amused for a minute as she turns down some guy flat with not much more of a roll of her eyes and a barb which you can't make out from where you are. Right, _no bullshit _you think with a smirk before you take your cue.

"Fancy a smoke? Reckon it's probably safer in the garden" you say and jerk your head in the direction of the guy who's now suffering from what looks like a right royal piss taking from his mates.

She looks slightly surprised for a second, follows your eyeline and then looks back up at you with a smirk of her own. "Right." She says, grabbing her wine and standing. "Why the fuck not."

You smoke the entire spliff in a silence that probably means nothing to her, but confirms in your mind that this wasn't a mistake. You watch her intently as she casts funny looks at you in return, you can feel her growing more irritated by the minute and you almost want to laugh.

"Is there something on my face? Or are you waiting for me to break the ice? because if you didn't pick it up from the preview in there I should point out that i'm fucking shit at making conversation." A sigh then, before adding in a smaller voice, "I don't even know what i'm doing here."

You know she means the party, but she's also probably questioning her decision to venture out into the garden with the chronic starer and so instead of replying you show her that you get it, how unnecessary words can be (you know a thing or two about getting by without words). You lean in and kiss her, swallowing the small sound of surprise before you pull back and say "I don't want you to 'break the ice', I don't want you to say anything."

She looks at you thoughtfully for a long moment, and then her face breaks into a totally stoned grin.

"Safer in the garden my arse" she says, before pulling you back in.

And that was how it began. You and Naomi. You can't give it a name, nor do you want to. But it's without any of the things you might associate with dating, no actual dates for a start, and you know that's why it's happening in the first place.

Those final weeks of summer became about Naomi. Naomi's body, parts of Naomis life, which you learned not from heartfelt confessions, but from seeing. Like when you _saw_ her living situation, and knew you weren't the only one who couldn't wait to get the fuck out.

You don't believe in fate in the sense where there's no control, but you do believe significant events aren't without reason. You saw her for a reason, but you _chose _to go over. And when Naomi had said where she was headed soon "Way up north, Manchester, big fucking change you know?" All you could think was _of course._

It turned out that you were going to the same city, but not Uni. Whilst neither of your houses had been the best environment for studying it seemed that when you'd been escaping yours to the pub, Naomi had opted for the library. Unsurprisingly, you'd come away with fairly different results.

She's staying at your halls tonight though, looking like a giant contradiction with her politics textbook In one hand and a joint in the other. You watch in amusement as she tuts and tosses the book the floor before stretching out next to you.

"Ah, finally realised politicians are wankers? Bit late now."

"Shut up." She she says haughtily. "I can't possibly concentrate when my brain thinks the more pressing issue is whether to order pizza or chinese. Bloody spliff. You're going to ruin my education you know."

"Better hand it over then" you say plucking it from her fingertips and taking a deep drag that results in a small sound of protest from her and a snort from you.

Stoned Naomi reminds you of that first night, and she looks as entirely lovely now as she did then. It's a bit startling then, that her next question is this:

"Why did you kiss me Eff? I mean, why did you...you didn't even know my name."

More stoned than you thought, since this has been something you both just slipped into without questioning, and this is the first time she has.

"I knew enough." You say, stubbing out the joint and pressing her into the mattress, kissing her deeply and putting the conversation to bed quite literally.


	2. banquet

Naomi.

Even in your hazy mind, you know that when she started to kiss you earlier it was distraction. Which, nicely done, mission accomplished. You just don't know why really, because right, you get it, you've been fucking and spending the better part of the past 3 months together, come to fucking _uni _together (freak accident as it might have been), and Effys not big on the talking, that's been blindingly obvious from the start. But christ, It's not like you wanted her to start talking about how she spotted you across the crowded room or start comparing your eyes to the Bristol night sky. And honestly, whatever it is, this... relationship of sorts – is fine, because it hasn't fucked with your plans one bit and the fucking that _has _occurred, well, that's been fine too.

It's just a little disconcerting. You're adolescence consisted of acquaintances but never friends, people who were alright to get pissed with but ultimately shared none of your interests. And then your mum let more and more strays into the house and you'd thought 'Fuck this', thrown yourself into college work with the motivation of getting as far away as possible and pretty much dropped off the face of the earth socially. (They call halls communal living but you've decided they don't know shit since you've yet to be surprised with any men in your bed.) It paid off, you aced your A levels and set the wheels in motion to just fuck right off. It was a terribly boring summer, since you weren't quite sad enough to start studying ahead for next year. So when you'd bumped into a girl from one of your classes and she'd mentioned a party you went. Figuring you needed to familiarize yourself with the concept of fun again if you weren't to spend the next 3 years alone too. It was a total fucking bust of course, social butterfly you aren't. And then Effy Stonem was in front of you, (you knew of her, everyone at roundview knew either Effy or her brother) with a rather attractive offer of some sanctuary and spliff in the garden and you were intrigued despite yourself.

And whatever consequences you expected of that, it certainly wasn't that she'd kiss you, and that 3 months down the line you'd be lying in her bed waiting for your girlfriend to come back with cigarettes, which conversation or not, is what she is since you're not fucking anyone else and neither is she. So as it is, you can't help but wonder at the hows and whys.

When she returns, you realize she's been gone far longer than it takes to get to the off license and back, and when nothing even resembling insecurity hits you, you think maybe this entire thing is built upon not asking.

When she kisses you this time, it feels like a reward.


	3. black tongue

**A/n Firstly thanks for the reviews it is appreciated :)**

**Second - No Emily yet, but soon. Sorry if you're missing her, i'm missing her too! I felt like the dynamic between these still needed to be worked on though. I'm still getting into this writing thing but i think i'm happy with it.**

** Before i write the chapter i write the characters names with a few small facts about them, like, who i think they are as characters (because i want them to at least resemble canon even though it's AU), where they are in regards to this story and what i want to try and say before fleshing it out properly in the chapter. So what i mean is If there's anything you feel doesn't make sense, then let me know because i've tried to be sort of subtle about things, but i don't want the ideas to just totally not come across at all. Does that make sense? probably not, i feel pretentious as fuck haha, feel free to ignore this rambling and proceed to the story which i hope you enjoy.**

Naomi.

You scarcely remember what you wrote when you applied for your accommodation, apart from that you smoked (which thankfully they paid attention to). But you can only conclude that whatever it was pissed someone off since you can't come up with a single other reason as to why anyone would think you'd hit it off with your flat mates, even if you weren't such a difficult cunt.

Your flat consists of four boys (who's names you haven't bothered to learn and ended up inventing a few of your own when you realized they were nicking your food) and a Chinese girl, who you barely got past pleasantries with on account of the language barrier, which was enough to tell you you wouldn't be having midnight feasts and braiding each others hair anytime soon.

Freshers week managed to do its job, sort of. Well you ended up with a few facebook friend requests which could only be chalked up to the magic of ecstasy and now there's a few people you can call on to go out and get fucked up with.

You just can't help but feel cheated in a way, because you've heard people witter on about uni, how it was the best years of their sodding lives and yet you're flat mates are shit, and you've yet to meet anyone here that you can just sit down and have a fucking conversation with.

You sort of want to cry (you wont) because it's shaping up to be a lot like college and that's exactly what you didn't want.

Though there is one distinction.

She isn't gay, you know that much. And you don't know what you are, but Effy's not about to make you figure it out. Though it can definitely be said that what you're doing together is pretty fucking gay you're yet to come up with any conclusions beyond that, and you'd be happy to go along with it if you didn't always feel like messages were being sent to you.

"Well Christ, open it." she says deliberately slowly after a few minutes of you staring blankly at the box on the bed and you scowl a bit, feeling pretty justified in your confusion since you can't even recall Effy buying you coffee let alone an actual gift, and it's not as if you're one of those "four month anniversary!" type couples either (thank christ).

You know that your eyes have just practically popped out of your head, but you compose yourself quickly because she's got that fucking infuriating smirk on her face and if she thinks she's going to make you look like the prude here she can bloody well think again.

"Wow" you deadpan. "How did you know?"

"Do you want to?"

"I-"

"Because I really, _really_ want you to fuck me with that."

You laugh – and you can't help it, it's not even what's in the box really, though it is _bright fucking orange_ (you giggle again) it's just that a few months ago your entire sexual experience consisted of a few sloppy kisses and a boy with erectile dysfunction, and suddenly it's Effy Stonem showing up at your door on an otherwise mundane Wednesday afternoon and telling you to fuck her with a strap on. You stop abruptly when you see the flash of annoyance in her eyes, since you're rather warming up to the idea and if you don't shut up you won't get to do it.

It's always fast between you. Like, you've learned more about her body from her sheer lack of modesty in general than from fucking her. Now's not really an exception to that, but unlike usual she's not getting you off at the same time, and there's not really anything else to do than pay full attention to what's happening.

You've got her on her back, her legs wrapped around yours whilst you fuck her as hard as you can. You've not kissed once since you went inside her. You can feel the layer of sweat between you both, hear her panting in your ear before she throws her head back against the pillows. She's the loudest she's ever been, and it's fucking hot because you know you're completely In control and normally it's like she's always got this upper hand but now she's completely at your mercy – you shift your weight a bit and start moving even faster – but also, just, you thought you'd gotten rather good, with your fingers lately and - "Fuck, don't stop, just fucking, ugh" - _this _is clearly what works for her, it's so fucking detatched, you could be anyone.

You feel like a point's been made, but you aren't sure what and suddenly you just want this to be over. You sit up on your knees, still moving in and out of her whist you hold one of her legs in one hand and press two fingers to her clit with the other.

She comes with one long drawn out moan, and a series expletives and words that follow, none of which are your name.

You pull out fast, probably too fast to not look like somethings wrong and you unbuckle the harness and throw it to the floor like it's on fucking fire but whatever, you're not the master of weird behavior around here.

You stand to the side of the bed and level her with a look that's all kinds of 'what the fuck?' before she averts her gaze and starts moving towards her clothes.

"Effy...fucks sake go if you want but at least let me in on what that was, some kind of fucked up way of telling me you're actually straight? Because honestly, I don't think a demonstration was necessary."

She's still not meeting your eyes, but she's stopped reaching for her clothes and the wave of relief that washes over you is so acute you physically take a step backwards.

She doesn't do things halfway, you know this. If she left, then she wouldn't come back and nothing has really changed.

"Sorry." she says quietly, and you realize as she does that it's something you've never heard from her before, you wonder if you're one of a few.

"We can be mates Ef." You mean it, because whilst the sex is good (last half an hour not really withstanding) and you think you'd probably miss it but you'd trade it in if it meant less fucking of the head variety, and keeping her around.

"No, no it's okay. Things got a bit intense yeah?" she lights a cigarette, and you can physically see her struggling with the words, think you might know even before she does that she's not going to explain this properly to you. Then there's a small shake of her head before she says "I don't do intense."

You scoff, "Well, might I suggest that you practice what you preach?"

"Good point." She smirks, as she blows a stream of smoke out before you, you watch it curl and rise and fade into nothing, feel the tension from before go with it. And now you know she's not going to fuck you off completely you don't think you need an explanation after all.

"I think that's enough talking about our feelings don't you?"

"I can already feel myself breaking out In hives."

"Shit." you chuckle, "Effy freak out recommence in three..two..one-" you're met with a pillow to the face first, and before you can respond in any way there's soft smiling lips brushing yours, kissing you full on the mouth. It's a message you finally understand.


	4. quiet things

**Long chapter is long. Think i covered quite a bit of ground though and oh, hello Emily.**

** Feedback would be really appreciated, good or otherwise :) I'd love to hear peoples thoughts on this so far.**

**Naomi.**

Coming home doesn't feel like that at all. How can it really, when as you step over the threshold of your front door you're greeted with the faces of people you've never met in your life.

It's Christmas, which you've always pretty much hated because it's never done any of the things for you that you know it does for others, like bring families together somehow under the sort of wonderful, if not utterly ridiculous sentiment that everything's fucking peachy 'because it's christmas.'

In your house it's only ever been the opener of wounds. Absent fathers and your mothers lingering sadness beneath the forced joviality. Christmas. A stark reminder of things that were supposed to be but aren't.

You try and reign in some of your frustration as you push past a woman on the stairs and almost knock her flying, because you worked out ages ago that your mum's trying to fill a gap, and you mentally scold yourself when your eyes well up without your consent for even allowing yourself on the train to think _maybe._ _maybe this year, she'll see that we could be enough if we tried, maybe she'll finally get what this fucking holiday is meant to be about._

You've been stretched out on your bed for all of five minutes (grateful for the fact that your room at least, provides you with some sense of familiarity. And so it fucking should you think, since you barely saw outside of it last year.) when there's a small knock and your greeted with the sight of your mum standing hesitantly in the doorway.

"People still know how to do that in this house then?"And you clamp your mouth shut tight as soon as it's out, because if you were going to come back here to resume old battles then you may as well of stayed up in fucking Manchester.

Some of what your thinking must be showing on your face, and your mums nothing if not thick skinned so instead of responding she takes the barb as an invitation to come in and sit down next to you.

"Heard you made quite the entrance, poor Alison didn't know what hit her."

You're not sure if she's merely making conversation, or looking for some kind of apology and so you keep quiet. Because it's one thing to not pick a fight but it's entirely another to start apologizing for bumping into some dippy bitch who shouldn't even be here in the first place. When you look at your mum though, she's smiling at you fondly and your lips can't help but quirk a bit in response.

"Missed you Nomi." She says softly, and you wince at the childhood nickname, the fact it reminds you of a time before, long ago, when you bore some resemblance to a mother and daughter. And just _no,_ because that's not how it's been for a long time and she doesn't get to just breeze in and out of it.

But apparently you're not so transparent after all, or your mums just opted to gloss over that particular reaction, which really, you think bitterly, isn't all that surprising.

"Tell me all about what you've been up to then, how's Effy settled in? You still seeing much of her? Christ I've barely heard off you! Still, must mean you're having the time of your life yeah?"

"Yeah..." you say, wishing it were true.

* * *

The next week passes uneventfully. Christmas day itself slips by without any real surprises, your mums crashed out by four after handing you fifty quid that morning with only a mild expression of guilt and a "I figured i'd only get you something you didn't like darling." Before proceeding to nail the wine from 11 onwards.

It shouldn't sting but it does, how little she really knows about you.

You leave them all to it, swiping a bottle of rum on the way out before heading upstairs where you think seriously for a second about drinking alone, possibly drinking yourself into a coma until it's time to leave. _Like mother like daughter _you think, and that's enough to stop you right there.

You think about Effy instead, who you've not heard a thing from since you both stepped off the train and went your separate ways. Wonder if her Christmas is shaping up to be as delightful as yours. She'd mentioned something about 'playing happy families' and looked deeply unimpressed about the entire thing apart from when she explained that Tony would be home this year. Her tone was as neutral as ever but the slight softening in her expression hadn't escaped you. All in all it didn't sound promising though, and you don't know whether to take the lack of contact as a good or bad. But you think again about that Christmas effect, hope it's managed to wrap itself around Effy and her Family just for today. You hope she's alright.

Your thoughts must have some kind of fucking summoning power, because suddenly there's the sound of the door opening and there she is. And one look at her red ringed eyes, how her arms are wrapped around her like she's physically holding herself together and all of your previous musings are answered in seconds.

The fact you don't immediately say anything can only be attributed to the fact that you're honestly a little bit shell shocked, because you've never seen Effy look anything other than totally composed. And you feel like a shit immediately because your silence has obviously led her to believe that she made some sort of mistake in coming.

"Sorry, I know it's Christmas, I -"

"Eff, does it look like you're interrupting any celebrations? Come and sit down."

She does, tentatively, on the very edge of the bed, and then she doesn't say anything for a long time. The silence is just a bit unbearable though, because it's nothing like the ones you're used to sharing with her, not when she looks like she's seconds away from breaking.

"Your parents then?"

"I'd rather not."

And right, of course. But you're at a total fucking loss on how to make this even a little bit better, and then you spy the rum from earlier and see a way to bring you both back onto some familiar ground.

"I've got alcohol" you say, nodding towards the bottle.

She manages the smallest of smiles that looks like it pains her to do so.

"Knew I liked you for a reason."

* * *

"Merry fucking Christmas" She says, when you've managed to down 3 quarters of the bottle between you in record time. "I hope you've got more of this?"

"You're joking right? Did you not _see _my mum on the way in? Like an alcoholics dream this house."

"Not yours though right?" And yeah it's a bit disarming, like nearly everything else that comes out of Effys mouth, but more so now. It's like the girl who first walked in here could have been a fucking mirage for how effortlessly she's just slipped back into being the Effy you know, how quickly she's turned the tables.

"Right." you agree, before tipping the back the remains of the bottle with a wink. "But if you can't beat 'em."

Bottle of wine each later and you're both tanked. You feel lighter, somehow, and you don't know if it's the company or the booze but whatever it is you hope it's doing the same for Effy.

"I didn't get you a gift" She says out of nowhere, like the rules of this day have literally just dawned on her.

"Aw, really?" you pout. "And it went so well the last time."

She flips you off and you grin back at her.

"S'ok" and fuck, you must be pretty gone because you spent far too many seconds elongating that 'S'.

"I didn't get you anything either, don't like Christmas much."

Her expression sobers instantly, and you're sorry despite not really doing anything wrong.

"Yeah, me neither."

"What happened?" you ask, rolling onto your belly and propping yourself up on an elbow to look at her properly. "I mean...give me an idea at least so I don't act like a monumental cunt and say something else to trigger the great depression."

"What's that about not being a cunt?" but her mouth's curved into a bit of a smirk and you want to laugh at the fact that sometimes cunt actually works.

"Tony didn't come home, so I had to endure Christmas dinner with Mah and Dah by myself. Which is basically 3 courses with two people who can't stand to be in the same room anymore. I don't know why...i don't know why they don't just..." She breaks off, brow furrowed looking like she's close to tears again before it's gone completely and she's steeled herself. "I can handle it."

You don't know much about Effys family, not really, you know that for the last two years Effys house was a hotbed for point scoring, a battle field that no one came away from unscathed, least of all Effy.

"Yeah, you can. And whatever they're doing now, you can handle that too. Okay?"

You watch her throat work as she swallows hard, before she nods and you let out a breath at managing to not say completely the wrong thing.

She kisses you then, no less hard than normal, stark contrast to the previous moment,but then her hand cups your tit and dispels those thoughts entirely because fuck it if this isn't the best thing you've felt in days.

* * *

You head back to Manchester a few days early. And your mum looks sad but doesn't question it, just hugs you tight and for longer than you're comfortable with. You allow it though, since you both know you won't be coming back again for awhile. The knowledge hangs thick in the air as you say goodbye, settles somewhere in your chest and doesn't ease up until you're on the train beside Effy, watching Bristol flit by through the window as you leave it behind once more. You don't speak for the entire journey, but the look that passes between you when you turn back to her says more than either of you could.

Effy's different here you notice. And you don't know if that's because she's actually happier, or if distance just enables her to be better at pretending. But Christmas confirmed one thing if nothing else, that Bristol's the chink in her armor, like it is for you too. And maybe Effy sees that. Maybe that's what keeps bringing you back together on these sporadic nights where you both fall into a mess of limbs and sheets and each other.

Because nothing else makes sense, not when one of you leaves the next morning and you head off to lectures and don't speak for days. You don't know where she goes those nights she's not with you and you don't ask. You don't even want to. Casual is what you'd call it, if it weren't for this knowledge, this understanding that you know is just_ there, _and stops it from being anything close to casual. So no, you don't know what to call it, but your time with Effy's fast teaching you that words are superfluous anyway.

It's easier to just take, take what's there when there's nothing else, and not think about what it means, and how it's only a matter of time before _something_ has to give, one way or another.

* * *

You wake on a Friday morning and decide immediately that lectures will not be a goer today. Effy's gone already, off to where-ever and you can't help but be just a little impressed at that when it takes you three attempts to even stand up out of bed. And you're pretty sure you're still pissed as you stumble into the door. Christ. You rub your temples and try and remember the night before but it's a blank really, save for flashes. The club, Effy with a pill on her tongue, the two of you putting on what was probably a rather good show in the back of the taxi before getting back here and well, the soreness between your legs is telling enough.

Your body's screaming out for some coffee and so of course you're fresh out. And it's a good job none of your flat-mates are in the kitchen because you are just about ready to throttle someone with the empty nescafe jar.

You practically run to the one-stop up the road, and feel a little less embarrassed of just how grim you look when the only other person in there is a middle aged woman in slippers.

You just about want to die when you come back to the flat and realize you've left your fucking key inside.

"Bollocks, fucking..." You hammer away at the door for 10 minutes before one of the girls from the _other_ flat opens their door.

"Locked out?"

"No. No my keys right here I just thought this would be a _much_ more fun way to pass the time you know?"

The girl retreats back inside and you hear the muttering of 'bitch' and great, you're doing so well at this making friends thing but honestly, what can anyone expect when asking such moronic questions.

You don't know what the fuck that Chinese girl you live with is playing at because you know for a fact she only has lectures on Wednesdays and you can count on your fucking hands the amount of times you've seen her come out of her bloody room.

"Jesus" you sigh, before following it up with a few last effort bangs on the door and giving up.

You find yourself at the reception for your halls, and you realize the universe just must be against you today when you explain your situation to the smug bastard behind the desk and you can tell you've just made his morning about a million times more interesting.

"Yes, I see, well we'll have someone open the door for you but it's a twenty pound charge."

"What?! No, I don't need another key I just need someone to let me back in."

"Yes i'm aware." he says, as if talking to a small child. You feel your eyes narrow. "It's a twenty pound charge."

"But that's bloody ridiculous! And I haven't even got enough money on me."

"Then i'm afraid you'll simply have to wait until somebody from your flat comes back and lets you in. The staff here have better things to be doing than favors for careless students." You can tell he's absolutely loving this.

"Highlight of your day this is it? Exercising that _tiny _bit of power."

That wipes the condensing smile off the wankers face, he's about to open his mouth before another voice, significantly less patronizing, husky, and significantly _more_ pleasing to the ears interrupts.

"I can lend you the money, if you want."

You turn towards the direction of the owner and see a rather beautiful (wait, what?) red headed girl leaning against the vending machine and surveying the entire spectacle with something akin to amusement. Well, you're glad someone finds it fucking funny, you're just about to tell her where to go before you remember why you've noticed her in the first place. She's got this perfect little mouth that your eyes linger over for reasons that are unknown to you, before it quirks into a funny little smile and you realize you've just been gawping at her this entire time. She raises her eyebrows at you in question and fuck, right, money, ludicrous situation you're in.

"Why would you do that?" you ask, like after the treatment from the tosser behind the desk you're suddenly suspicious of any good deed.

She walks towards you then, leans against the desk with her back towards the man and looks at you.

"Well. He's obviously an arsehole." she says lightly, as if the person she just insulted isn't inches away from you both and well within ear shot. You smirk.

"And it's really not that big of a deal, i've got cash on me and well, don't take this the wrong way but you look like you could use some of that." she says nodding to the coffee in your hand before grinning.

You snort because yeah, you've definitely seen better days.

"I'll pay you straight back when we get in obviously" you say as she hands over the twenty, smiling sweetly at the man who glares back.

"Course." And she smiles at you then, a real one.

Lovely, you think. And then you blink because _what?_

* * *

"Here you go..."

"Emily."

"Emily, right, well thanks yeah." you say, handing her the note as you stand awkwardly in the doorway to your room, and it's not like you've had anyone come to your rescue before but the whole thing just feels stupidly awkward, all that's missing is a sodding handshake.

"No problem..."

"Oh, Naomi."

"Right." she smiles. And then a few moments pass where you want to say something. You _want _to ask her to stay for a bit maybe, but you're not sure how to do that without coming across as completely fucking weird. You think you see her glance over your shoulder into your room almost expectantly, but then you're sure you've imagined it when you blink and she's looking at her shoes. And really, as intrigued as you are, and despite the fact that she's one of the few people you've met here that hasn't managed to rub you up the wrong way within five minutes, you know fuck all about each other, and she's probably got better things to be doing than hang out with the hungover idiot who can't even remember a simple thing like the key to their own flat.

"Well i'd better get going." _There it is. _"But hey. If you ever lock yourself out again, I live in flat 7, unless of course you fancy another bonding session with our new best friend downstairs."

You roll your eyes "Him and I, it's a love hate thing."

She chuckles and your stomach flips as a response. You put it down the hangover.

"See you around Naomi."

"Yeah, see you." you say, and watch her walk away, the brightness of her hair standing out amongst the pale and ugly surroundings of your corridor, wonder how you could not of noticed her until now.


	5. sick muse

**Hello, yeah so i seriously appreciate anyone who's taken the time to review this/add it to story alerts or whatever. Cheers so much it's definitely motivating to know that people are reading, and even more so if they're enjoying it. Sorry this part has taken a bit I've been quite busy with college stuff, and when i say that i mean I've been procrastinating by way of playing in the sun/getting wrecked. But anyway, here it is, i hope it doesn't dissapoint and if you have any thoughts i'd be glad to hear them.**

It's one of those strange phenomenons in life, like when you come across a new word for the first time and it's in the next book you pick up, or gets used in conversations from then onwards and you don't really know how you managed to go through your whole life without ever hearing it before. So you shouldn't be surprised really, that in the two weeks that follow from that day at reception, Emily is _everywhere._

The first time you see her, is the next morning, a flash of red across the way as you're heading into your block. She doesn't notice you back, and you don't do anything to change that because well, your keys are in your hand and so it's not as if you'll be requiring her services today.

The second time you see her, she's sitting on the front row in one of your lectures. And okay, it's pretty reasonable that you didn't know you shared a class on account of the other good hundred people you don't know there either, but it's a little startling none the less.

"Hi" she says when you walk past, not looking surprised in the slightest to see you.

"Hey." is all you manage, before the lecturer arrives and you scurry to find an available seat near the back, find your gaze alternating between your notes and the back of Emilys head for the next two hours.

The third time you see her, Effy's there too, and you have no idea why it puts you on edge. Though that could easily be chalked up to the lines of coke that had seemed like such a good idea back at the flat. Effy's fucking nailed, which means she's being considerably more handsy than either of you normally are in public and you catch Emily raise her eyebrows at the two of you slutting it up on the dance floor, feel yourself frown in response. And that's then wiped off immediately by what Emily does next, which is grab the girl she's with by the back of the neck and kiss her in a way that's long and half filthy. _Oh, right._

The fourth time is fucking overkill.

"Jesus, you stalking me or something?" you say as you enter the shoddy excuse for a staff room and halt at the sight of red that's fast becoming familiar.

Emily looks up surprised, before her eyes find you and she smiles wryly.

"No. I'm here because i'm a dynamic team leader who's looking to reap the rewards of working at JJB sports." she says completely straight faced.

A few moments pass whilst you stare at her blankly, before you realise what she's quoting and crack up, Emily joining in after a second.

"Of course." you agree afterwards, equally serious. "What else right?"

"You mean apart from follow you around?"

"Hm, but that's a given." you smirk at each other.

And it feels a lot like flirting, not that you'd have much experience in that particular area. You're suddenly hit with the image of Emily and that girl, and whether or not she was proving a point that she was into girls, or simply wasn't about to band together a homophobic mob at the sight of you and Effy.

But it's not as if you've got much experience in simply being friendly either, so you let it go.

"Well what can I say? You're very stalkable." she says, voice just dripping in sarcasm and you snort.

"But no, unfortunately for your ego my presence here is purely money motivated. Honestly, I swear this is the only place hiring in the entire city."

You can't argue with that, it sure as hell wasn't your first choice. Effy had found it completely hilarious of course ("Your job _really_ doesn't suit you Naomi"), her parents apparently not feeling guilty enough to stop being complete dildos, but enough to send her money so she didn't have to get herself a ridiculous job. She'd not found it any less funny when she'd laid eyes on your uniform either, tracksuit bottoms for christ sake, you didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or punch Effy in her smug face. Lucky for her there'd been no need for either when she'd kissed the scowl off your face before announcing that whilst it wasn't high on her list of fantasies she was sure you could work around it.

"You're right though" Emily's saying now. "We have kind of been bumping into each other a lot, maybe we should actually like, I don't know, see each other on purpose?"

The look she's giving you, it's somehow making you feel naked and challenged all at once. You don't dwell on the former, and well, you've never shied away from a challenge in your life.

* * *

You see each other on purpose a lot after that.

It turns out Emily got much luckier than you when it came to flat mates. Conveniently lives just a few blocks away and after awhile you start to spend the nights you're not with Effy at Emilys, either going out or staying in and playing ring of fire. In conclusion, your liver is seriously taking one for the team, but for the first time you actually feel like you're spending your time here exactly as you should. Like your finally getting some of that experience people always told you about.

Emily's flat consists of three other people.

Thomas, who is properly lovely from the get go and after Emily is easily the one you're closest to. Makes you feel completely welcome and like maybe you're not the only person to know how it feels not to belong; His girlfriend Pandora is equally welcoming, although you suspect her enthusiasm is probably less to do with you and more the fact that you're a new face; And JJ, who is nice and actually kind of hilarious despite obvious social draw backs, but is clearly infatuated with Emily and you just can't bring yourself to warm up to him fully. You know there's something not quite right with that but really, you now know that Emily is gay, like _really_ _really gay. _And the way JJ is just so blatantly lusting after her is a little bit pathetic. So you're just being protective of your friend. (You choose to ignore the fact that the idea of anyone needing protecting from JJ is ludicrous in itself.)

And then there's Emily, and as much as you like being at the flat you won't delude yourself into thinking she's not the main reason you're spending so much time there. In fact times with Emily, just Emily, are fast becoming one of your favorite things in the world.

Because It's so easy, so easy to be with Emily, in a way that you've only experienced with Effy, except it's not like that at all.

For a start, Emily talks, told you about how she didn't really do much talking at all through college on account of her twin sister and you joked that she was certainly making up for that now. But really you don't mind at all, because seeing someone be finally comfortable in their own skin is actually kind of lovely.

You don't think you've laughed as much in your life as you have this past month. Emily's got the same dry sense of humor but where you're biting, she's subtle, in the sense that she could mock someone right to their face and they probably wouldn't realize it was happening. When you'd told her this -on one of the quieter nights you sometimes share, where you neither go out or drink but just stay at Emilys, smoking and talking and occasionally doing some work - she'd just shrugged it off and said it was the only thing that kept her from resorting to any kind of violence when she'd lived at home.

Fortunately, when it comes to you and Emily, she's only ever laughing _with _you.

Like yesterday at work when Emily was serving as you pretended to tidy accessories nearby, and a very middle aged and apparently very vain man, purchased _the_ smallest and tightest pair of speedos you'd ever laid eyes on. And the way Emilys eyes widened _just enough_, the way she couldn't look at you – you had to cover your mouth and bite the inside of your cheek until she finally met your eyes as he walked away and you both lost your shit completely.

"Seriously Ems, I think we need to quit, we're doing a serious injustice to the world allowing him to go out there armed with those."

"Shit. You're right. Or just burn down the swim wear department to make sure this never happens again."

You're totally ridiculous together,and it's everything you spent your entire life scoffing at from the outside. It's surprising how little it bothers you.

* * *

You're in the park during a free period, people watching and sharing a deck of 20 when curiosity finally gets the better of you.

"How come you're not seeing anyone Em? I mean, well you must have offers yeah? You're not _that _repulsive" you finish with a smirk which earns you one In return and a nudge in the ribs for good measure.

"Maybe you've worn my confidence down Naomi, all these horrible remarks." She says in mock despair, and you both laugh before her expression changes, seemingly giving the question some actual thought before answering.

"No I dunno really, I mean yeah, there's been a few girls, or a few nights shall we say" she grins at you and you muster a smile in return because fine, you've brought the subject up, and it's not like you were expecting her to be some kind of virgin, so you don't know why the thought of someone with their hands all over Emily has suddenly made you wish you'd never asked at all.

" It was fine, for what it was but.. I don't know, clearly it's all that love poetry my course has subjected me to because I'm now running around with the notion that I just can't be bothered unless it's worth it you know?"

_No_ you think. Because, well, _really_? This is uni, and you've met some of the people here, seen how they think and live and just... you haven't met anyone like Emily. You've _never _met anyone like Emily.

Emily who's now looking at you expectantly and it occurs to you she's been waiting for an answer, but you're not caught that easily.

So you turn it back into a joke, because suddenly it feels like you're on dangerous ground.

"Definitely hitting the books too hard Em, Mindless parties and fucking first, degree second yeah? Call yourself a student."

When she laughs, you think you're off the hook. But Emily doesn't play fair either it seems.

"Shut up i'm serious, Love yeah? It's the fucking be all and end all isn't it? everyone's either in it or searching for it, and that fucking you're talking about, that's just another method of looking. I mean...you've been with Effy for awhile now right?Christ you moved here together. You know what i'm talking about."

You think of Effy. The reality, and the assumptions Emily's clearly made and you don't know how to answer without feeling like a liar, or like you've just sold Effy out completely.

"We're kind of complicated." you say finally, hope it's either vague or satisfying enough to just move this conversation along.

It's only four words, and you haven't actually told her a thing, know she can't really understand when most of the time your own grasp is tenuous and fuck, you don't want to think about it, and especially not now when Emily's this close and she's _looking._

"Oh." Is all she says.

It's only four words, and she's only said one, and none of it should count for a god damn thing and yet as you look back, just in time to see Emilys eyes flash with everything you have and haven't said, you know you've opened a door to something that you really probably shouldn't have.


	6. Effy's interlude the moon is down

**Alright guys :) First of all i know this has taken awhile and there's a couple of reasons for that. **

**1) The sun didn't go away and neither did my drink problem ;)**

**2) I found this chapter incredibly difficult to write. I wrote from Effy's point of view before but i don't think that was anything more than setting the scene. I think she's definitely one of the harder characters to write, and i was seriously daunted at the prospect and whether i'd do her any justice.**

**Well the jury's out on that one. ****I don't really normally like, actively ask for reviews (though don't get me wrong getting them is awesome) but i would definitely appreciate feedback on this one 'cause i think where this story is going as a whole depended quite heavily on Effys side of things, and i'd love to hear what you think about the direction it's taking. **

******Still, if you can't be arsed to review i hope people are still sticking with this and more importantly enjoying it :)**

******This one's for Ryoko05 who requested more Effy. (The phrase be careful what you wish for springs to mind :P.) And ithinktherefore who always leaves particularly lovely comments.**

Effy

It's not about love, you think you both know that. It's not even about happiness. It's actually much more to do with the opposite. People say that misery loves company, and in many ways you think that's better. You've never known love or happiness to hold any permanence, so why bother? working so hard to hold onto glimmers of something else when it's despondency that always comes back.

Why bother? You said that once before. Tony said you didn't fool him, but then Tony stopped being permanent too.

So here's what you allow for, what drives you, instincts, states of mind. Lust and Boredom. Naomi accommodates for these, beautiful and fun, even more so when she's writhing beneath you panting and flushed, your hand trapped between her legs.

* * *

Here's when it stops being as simple as that. Months pass and you start to realize that Naomi is quite unlike anyone else. That though her loneliness is palpable, she doesn't cling to you like you're the only thing keeping her from utter desolation, even when you know you are. The way she questions so many things in this world but never you.

If you found people you could read intriguing, then it's only right that the person you can't becomes almost intoxicating.

And it makes you act out, play for reactions, _a game_. It's all a fucking game because it can't be anything else. And when it starts to feel like it is, when it starts to feel like the catalyst of boredom is morphing into something different, you disappear.

But never for long. Naomi's like the link to what you can't bring yourself to go back to, and yet can't let go of completely. The only piece of home that doesn't hurt because she _gets it_.

Only there's a flaw in that logic. Because completely without your consent Naomi becomes something you don't want to let go either.

* * *

Christmas is your first mistake.

Sitting between your parents like a shield, it's only natural some of their shots hit you.

And you see what it does, not letting go, you feel it.

When it inevitably turns to chaos, you seek solace at the foot of the stairs, wonder when you lost that ability to fix things, and when Tony stopped thinking he needed to try. The tears are as unwanted as they are unstoppable, and when the sound of a plate smashing against the wall startles you out of your daze, it feels like the final attack on your armor, and you know it's time to leave.

It's dangerous, to go to Naomi's with everything this close to the surface and that means talking about it isn't an option.

Of course Naomi doesn't push, just hands you a bottle until the mixture of burning liquid and Naomi's humor starts to soothe the knot in your chest.

But it's those exact things that make some of the words come out eventually, in these broken sentences that feel like they're breaking _you _with every syllable.

When Naomi speaks next, it very nearly happens.

It's the tenderness in her face, not the words exactly, but the bit of the faith they hold.

And all it's doing is make you think of the possibility lying by your side, the consequences no more than 15 streets away, and it's all you can do to just grab her then, kiss her hard and fast and try and keep this as it should be.

* * *

You come back to uni, back to the balance of just enough distance and just enough her. Because whatever happened in that room, when the dim light had done nothing to diminish the one you saw in Naomis eyes, it can't happen again.

The fact that it did in the first place doesn't sit comfortably with you at all, but here, it feels less like you're standing on the edge of a precipice, it feels like something you can manage.

* * *

Everything is as it was, until it isn't.

Naomi meets someone, and it doesn't mean anything to you at first, you're definitely not _that_ person. And it's not even this Emily you're paying attention to, but the changes she's bringing in _Naomi_. And it hits you full force, when she's lying on your bed regaling some hilarious tale about the two of them at work that day.

She needs you even less than she did before.

* * *

You go looking for her one night. Because you've not seen her for days and you hate that it bothers you even a little, how it feels like your handle is slipping.

When she's not at her flat you try the union and that's when you see them. Naomi and a girl who you don't need to be told is Emily. And it's something about the wide smile on Naomi's face, wider than you can recall in all the time you've known her, the look in Emily's eye as she leans in close.

It confirms what you already knew, that it's simply a matter of time.

Something hardens then, and you've never felt more and less like yourself at once.

You head directly into town and it's there, in a desperate clutch for power that you do the one thing you can think of to even the score.

He introduces himself as cook and supplies you with enough fags, pills and alcohol to see that you're more fucked up than you've been in a long while. No easy feat but cook is fun, in that reckless sort of way thats always felt like your second nature. It's exactly what you need.

You fuck at his place. It doesn't mean anything, it's not supposed to.

It's welcome.

* * *

You don't feel guilty, one more emotion you're even less fond of than you were before, and if things are going to come crashing down then why not join in with the destruction?

You should just cut the ties,you know. And put a stop to this before it becomes exactly like the one thing you vowed you'd never fall into.

But it's too far along.

A game is what you tell yourself, try not to think about how there's no longer a clear winner in sight.


	7. hounds of love

**Another long one. I'm slightly worried about the pacing and whether i've got it right. Thanks so much for the story alerts, favouriting and whatnot. And Thanks especially to the people who take the time to review and give me feedback, it really is appreciated. Oh, and just incase anyone gets abit confused about the timeline, Effy's part brought it right upto the present, so whatever goes on below is after that. You probably don't need me to clarify that but yeah :) hope you enjoy **

Naomi

After that day at the park, you're aware of things changing around you.

The only thing is, on the surface, it doesn't _seem_ like anything's different at all.

Underneath you feel it, shifting in these subtle yet tangible ways that you do your best to ignore, you're not about to dig and uncover what's there if you can help it.

So you make pigeonholes in your mind,_ best friend, girlfriend. _And you make sure they're small, too small to leave room for anything else.

Your head filled with tidy categories that keeps it above that surface.

It works. And you spend the entirety of March dividing your time between Effy and Emily.

It works. Especially when you spend the first week at Effys, not keeping your hands off each other.

When you're rocking your hips against hers as you straddle her, Effy grabs your chin firmly, forces you to look at her just as she curls her fingers inside you.

"Fuck, Eff, that's..Jesus"

"Yeah?" She says, not breaking your gaze, starts moving her fingers in and out more forcefully and you moan in response.

You don't question how this is all just a bit unusual for the two of you, partly because you don't think you could manage the words anyway in your current position. But also, it's giving you all the clarity you need.

Effy's on a reading week at Uni. And you don't have any hours at work, something which seems to please her.

She convinces you to bunk off your lectures too, and so there's really no reason to leave.

(Maybe one, but that would just defy all careful compartmentalization on your part, and you can't deny that Effy for hers makes a very good counter case with her hands and tongue.)

It's not hiding. You don't know why it feels like it is, because it's not.

Thankfully there isn't much time to dwell on that, not when after a lengthly day of fucking Effy supplies you both with the means to go out, get fucked up and have fun.

Which it is, incredibly so.

You indulge yourself in it, the lights, the anonymity, the racing of your heart as you feel whatever you've taken pump through your veins in sync with the bass.

You lose yourself in it all. Lose yourself in Effy too, pressing against you on the dance floor as you move with abandon, holding you up as you stumble home together, laughing as you both nearly topple over, loudly enough to wake up the houses you're passing and that only makes it funnier.

Later, when it starts to wear off, Effy's there. And before the replacing effects can make you question why drugs were ever a good idea in the first place, Effy's there, with starving and still a bit fucked up eyes and a hot mouth, giving you other wonderful sensations to focus on as you ride out the come down.

Four nights pass in that similar fashion, and it's fucking amazing, all of it, and the waves of confusion plaguing you lately just haven't had the chance to catch up with you here.

All of it, makes you feel like you're untouchable.

* * *

But on the fifth day you wake up and you know this can't really last for the simple reality that deadlines are looming, and regardless of whatever else might be going on failing your degree just isn't part of your agenda.

You explain this to Effy, checking your phone (nothing. Nothing from Emily, not since you told her where you were) and miss the hard set of her jaw as a result.

"Fine." she says, and it's neutral as ever. "But lets go out tonight yeah? And tomorrow you can get back to being a good little student."

"Fuck you." you say, but it's without any malice since you're more than used to her making fun of you about this.

And you might wonder, if there was any resentment behind it towards you, for getting into the more prestigious uni, but then you remind yourself that Effy doesn't really give a fuck about things like the university league table, or much at all really.

"I've got some new stuff we've not tried before." She's saying now, like confirmation to those previous thoughts.

You smirk. "Oh? I didn't think there was anything _Effy Stonem _hadn't tried yet."

Her lips quirk at the tease, before she climbs on top of you and leans down, close to your mouth but not quite touching.

"Well that's just it Naomi, i'll try anything" she says, nipping at your lips and snaking a hand down to where you're already getting wet. "You of all people should know that."

* * *

(It works. _It's working._ But there are times, moments of unraveling that you can't do anything to prevent.)

The 'new stuff' turns out to be mephedrone, some legal drug that really shouldn't be but is just about the only thing anyone's doing right now on account of that and how much it costs.

Effy explains this, calls it "poor mans MDMA" before getting to work of preparing two huge lines with a wink.

Fuck it, you think, why not? Just like the first time Effy approached you so many months ago, it's almost become a motto for whenever you're around her.

The buzz is almost instant, and you grin almost manically at each other.

"Not bad right?" She says, grabbing 2 bags of the stuff and putting them in her purse. "Lets go."

She takes you to a club you've never been to before, it soon becomes apparent why.

All outside laws appear to be left at the door in this place, people are keying up right there on the dance floor and no ones batting an eye lid. Probably because there isn't a person in the entire vicinity not off their fucking faces you think.

You only find yourself glad of it though, you can feel the effects of the meph already waning and when Effy presses a bag into your palm you don't hesitate in taking more.

The night seems to fly, and somewhere between demolishing an entire gram and having the urge to talk to absolutely everyone in your eye line, you lose Effy.

And then there's just this drop, an actual fucking drop because there's no warning for it, no gradualness, one minute you're on top of the fucking world and the next you're not, and it's like you've woken from some sort of trance, tuned into everything around you for the first time tonight in one sharp jolt yet it's not at all like being sober. Just disconcerted, and the need to take more is overwhelming but you're all out.

You can't find Effy _anywhere_, you don't know what the fucks going on but the unfamiliarly of your surroundings starts make panic set in.

You stumble out of the club, still no sign and you're heart is fucking racing, deep breaths, deep breaths.

You can't believe she's fucking left you, it's not just the paranoia you know you're feeling, she's left you, on this fucking horrible stuff...but no, it's fine, you'll go home.

Your stomach twists unpleasantly at the thought of your halls tonight, alone with nothing but the aftermath of this. And then you remember the other place you can go, the only place you want to.

* * *

You manage to get into the block behind someone else, and then it's Emily thankfully that comes to the door of the flat. God knows you can't deal with one of the others right now.

She knows immediately, of course she does, you can feel your teeth grinding, your jaw convulsing.

"Naomi..what the fuck? You look, what have you taken?"

And of course she's got questions too, you haven't seen her for days, haven't spoken, and now you're here in the middle of the night, but the urge to talk has completely vanished, you just want the morning, and to not feel like this any longer. But you know some kind of explanation is needed.

"I'm fucked Ems..I'm sorry, I feel shit and I.. I just didn't want to be on my own, do you mind if I stay here?"

You sound fucking pathetic, but you haven't got it in you to dress it up any better than that.

Emily's face softens. "Come on."

She leads you to her room, hands you the pajamas you left here when you realised just how much better you liked being at hers than your own halls.

"Sorry." You mumble again.

"Shh, it's okay. Did you go out on your own?"

You think about saying yes, because you don't really want Emily to know whatever the fuck went down with Effy tonight, but really, she's going to draw conclusions either way, and you'd rather she didn't think you were at the getting wrecked alone stage just yet.

"No, Effy."

"_Effy?_" and the way she says it makes you flinch, and also think her branding you a loner with a drug problem might have been the safer alternative after all.

"Yeah, got split up somehow. I don't know but, Ems...can we just sleep, please? I really just want this night to be done with."

Emily looks like she wants to say a whole lot more on the subject so it's surprising when all that comes out is a barely auidible "Yeah...We can."

But sleep doesn't come easy. Your heart still feels like it's going to come hammering right out of your chest, and then to top it off you start getting feverish.

Emily notices of course, single bed making that quite unavoidable and you feel fucking ashamed, for turning up at ridiculous o clock and putting this on her, but if she's annoyed she shows no sign. Instead she pulls you closer to her (and your heart's still going but this time it's for entirely different reasons) places a hand on your back and rubs soothing circles until the shaking subsides somewhat.

"Christ Naoms, what is this stuff?" She whispers.

"Mephedrone. Wouldn't recommend it." you murmur, trying to joke at the obvious concern. You press your face into her neck, don't miss that it's Emily who shivers this time.

This might haunt you tomorrow, somewhere down the line, maybe. But right now it's the only thing that feels good, and you're far too grateful for that to put a stop to it.

Moments.

* * *

You wake to the realisation that you've completely wrapped yourself around Emily and before your mind can think about warmth and puzzle pieces you've untangled yourself carefully and stand in the hallway dialing Effys number.

Emily's sitting up in bed when you return, unreadable expression on her face.

"Well?" She asks, huskier than normal.

"She says she felt sick and had to go, says she tried to find me, she's apologised."

"Right." Emily says, like she doesn't believe a word, you're not completely sure you do either but you're prepared to let it go, for the sake of not unearthing things you don't want to find, you'll let it go.

You wish Emily would do the same.

"I don't think it's right, you were... how hard could it of _been, _to find you?"

"It isn't any of your business Emily." you snap, harsher than you meant to but you feel your heckles rising, not because you disagree but because you don't, and it just makes your defenses manifest even more strongly.

"You don't think you made it my business just a little bit, in coming here?" you can see she's growing angry herself, it's there in her frown, the slight flush of her cheeks.

But Emily isn't aware of the necessary boundaries you've put in place, how having this conversation is akin to teetering over the markings a line.

"Look, I'm sorry,if it seems like I dragged you into something last night, that stuff fucks you up, I wandered off and we got separated. It's my fault, I panicked and I needed a friend, which I appreciate, Okay Em?"

She deflates, whatever fight she'd had building, the fire in her eyes peters out before she looks down at her hands.

"Okay. I'm sorry too. You're right, it is none of my business."

It's the intended effect. Effy isn't mentioned after that, and you go back to Naomi and Emily, the separate entity it's supposed to be.

* * *

(It's working. this order to chaos, it is. But the moments, they gather.)

A lecture towards the end of the month. Emily whispering and nudging you whilst you fix your eyes ahead, trying not to give her any satisfaction by holding in the grin threatening to break out.

"Emily." you say instead, "If you don't stop, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to move, you're corrupting the other students." In a voice that's uncannily like the one droning out from the front of the room, you smirk at your notes as Emily fails to suppress a snort.

"Sorry." She replies, though she doesn't sound it a bit, and you brace yourself for whatever witty remark you just _know_ she's got lined up.

"I figured helping you improve those dreadful social skills was a better cause."

You turn to face her, and whatever reaction of mock indignation you were going for vanishes when you see she how she's smiling brilliantly, eyes dancing with amusement and something else, something that's oceans apart from the label on the box you've put her in. Something you _can't _give a name to, but feel your chest constrict at none the less.

You don't know what expression's on your face right now, but Emily's smile falters slightly before she breaks eye contact, turns her attention back to the lecturer.

You're savoring the return of oxygen in the room when she clears her throat and speaks again, almost shyly, like glimpses of a past Emily you know existed once but almost never get to see.

"Come over tonight? Promise not to distract you."

Still not looking at you, and the gratitude that engulfs you isn't normal, but you find yourself agreeing anyway.

"Yeah. Yeah of course."

* * *

Moments.

Later, in the soft light of Emily's room you notice it's been silent for a long time. And it's not an unusual happenstance, not at all, you're with Effy after all, but this is Emily, and well, you're just not sure you like it.

"You're quiet Ems."

"Huh?" She says, looking up from the textbook she's been flipping through.

"You're quiet tonight, not used to it" you smile. "Everything alright?"

"Oh, Yeah. Yeah I'm fine I'm just...letting you get on you know? Like I said, no distractions."

And you can't help chuckle at that because, "Jesus! I didn't think you meant it! How very noble of you."

A half smile, before she's pensive once again, putting the book down and rolling on her side to face where you're sitting on the floor.

"I don't want you to think I'm holding you back."

You frown because _what_? Why would she think – and then you remember earlier.

And Christ, she thinks she pissed you off for being the most interesting thing in the bloody lecture.

"You don't think that right? I mean, with today, I just figured we'd already covered most of that stuff. And you're too clever for you're own fucking good anyway."

"Glad you noticed." And you've never been more thankful that sarcasm is just something that people have come to expect from you. Because there's no better mask for the truth. The one you can't say out loud anymore than you can give into the urge consuming you now, to just go and reach out to her because she is _so fucking lovely._

You clench your fists, wait for it to pass, it doesn't, and Emily's not done.

"I'm serious Naomes, you actually _care_ about things, that's fucking rare. And you're going to do just as well here as you did in college,and you're going to go places and just...I don't know, change things."

"You think I can do that?" And fucking hell, it's out before you can stop it, you blame sheer disbelief for that because honestly, you'd take the previous silence over Emily's words and what they're doing to you.

"I think you can do anything" she says, the look on her face, so honest and open and you just _know, _that she really believes it.

And you have to go. You have to get out of there right now.

You do, with nothing more than a hurried feeble excuse of a sudden headache and the need for your own bed, gathering your stuff and fleeing before a undoubtedly confused Emily has the time to open her mouth.

_Moments_. Too many to continue deluding yourself that you can keep this up, this pulling in different directions. And none of it matters, all of your efforts fruitless, because the over riding fact is that _all of it_ is dragging you below the surface.

And you're drowning.


	8. shimmer

**Thank you so much for the reviews, really. But i kind of want to get something off my chest about them. I don't want to sound like a prick, because honestly the fact people are reading this still wasn't really something i anticipated. And i really wasn't sure if it would be recieved well at all, so when i get seriously lovely reviews off some of you it's like a huge bonus, and it's massively encouraging for me. But when i read something that's just like, demanding more or less of certain characters it's kind of disheartening, because this was never going to be based around the one couple but i've tried really hard to give the story some balance. I don't know, i'm probably being a bit of a mardarse, in which case feel free to tell me so or just ignore this completely.**

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* * *

**

Naomi.

Throwing Effy onto the bed feels like kicking your legs and swimming back up.

"You're still mad at me."

"No." You say, and even as you're pressing bruising kisses to her neck, it isn't a lie.

She tugs at your hair roughly, murmurs against your lips

"I don't mind if you are."

You don't stop to consider that.

Effy's got you breathing heavy, and you're taking it, inhaling gulp fulls of air.

You come with a shudder, and see red. Splashing around.

You close your eyes, it helps little.

* * *

You leave late the next afternoon, seeking solitude for the first time in months.

Close the door and sit in the stillness, stare at the walls surrounding, and it'd feel like a return to form, if there was any real way of going back.

There's not much value in being above water when you're completely adrift.

And you never thought for a second that you'd miss the way things were but that's thrown into serious doubt by what happens next, when Emily comes bursting into your room, looking for all intents and purposes ready for a fight.

"What the fuck Naomi?"

"How did you get in here?" Stalling, there's very few explanations as to how, and you know it wasn't through the fucking window.

"Your flat mate, like it matters. What's going on?"

What to say to that really. You close your eyes and this time it does nothing, it's not some apparition, Emily is right here. And the walls are closing in.

"You're not even going to answer me? You fuck off last night, turn your phone off and now you're not even going to tell me why? Or what I did?"

Nothing, nothing but be _her._

And then you're on your feet, and Emily's pushed up against the door, and your lips are on hers, giving her the answer, the only one you have left.

She sighs like a forgone conclusion.

And then she's pushing back into it, kissing you with inconceivable hunger, before pulling back.

"Fuck" she breathes, looks back at you with wide eyes.

"I know." you whisper, powerless before them.

* * *

It's much much later, when you're lying awake in bed, that your mind comes after you.

You want to hold it off, crawl under the duvet, be aware of nothing but the softness of skin pressed against yours.

Instead you think about what happens next, and momentarily contemplate the option of putting this all down to a one night stand except no, it's not possible, not even if you can harness everything that's raged inside you for months because Emily doesn't do that, she_ told _you. Emily's looking for _love _and that means_... _

And fuck. Fuck. It pummels you so hard, the truth.

How Emily's just been this brightness, amidst the dark, that you couldn't stop yourself from running towards all along.

Even when you didn't know it, even when you tried to retreat.

But now, now you've reached it and you're here, bathed in the light...and it burns.

And it doesn't matter then, that when she lavished every part of you in kisses it felt like being woken up, that you were more responsive than you've been in your entire life, that you're entire _world_ became reduced to the texture of Emily's tongue, the feel of her fingers inside you because they _burned,_ set you alight from the inside out. And it's too much.

She held you like you were going to break in her arms, you wonder then, if she knew something you didn't.

And it's only now, that you think of Effy, except it's really not just Effy, and it won't ever be again.

Divided no more, you can't escape the comparisons, the differences.

And it's so simple, yet everything but.

The way Effy lets you be the person you are, but Emily makes you feel like someone better.

And you can flounder and fall in Effy's world of no expectations, but with Emily it's all about trying.

Better person maybe, but you've been _you _your whole life and that person is destined for failure in Emily's world, that world of optimistic beliefs and fucking love and the legion of other things that have nothing to do with you.

Her biggest flaw perhaps.

She made a fatal error, believing in you.

And there's no excuses, not even the only one you've got. That when you kissed her, you honestly couldn't do anything else.

Because now you can't do anything but flee, leave her _again_, in your own fucking bed of all places.

You dress quietly, eyes never leaving her, watching the pattern across her back that filters through the blinds from the moonlight, until she reaches out in sleep to the now empty space and you have to turn away.

It's your trembling hands that fail you when you're gathering up a bag.

"Naomi."

And you freeze, like you've been caught in the middle of a crime, which really you have.

"Naomi, no." It's not sharp, or loud, it doesn't need to be, belief shatters and rings in your ears.

"Look at me."

"I can't."

And you don't know when you became _this _much of a coward, but maybe it's just that you've never had to be brave.

You sniff, hard.

"I'm sorry." you say to the door, and the sound as it closes behind you is heavy and final.

On the train, you think again about going back, and it's even more of an impossibility than it was before.

But it's as far as you can go, the only place she can't follow. It's the best you've got.

* * *

**And there you have it, was it too fast? I worried _a lot_ that it was, and i'm not sure i'm even completely happy with it but it sorta got to the point where i deliberated so much that i'd never end up just carrying on. I kinda reasoned with myself on the basis that Emily's chapter will be next, and hopefully i can rectify any pacing issues with that. Not sure when that will be up though, i've got 4 beasts of assignments for college glaring at me from my bedroom floor.**


	9. author note

_Not a new chapter, but a quick note to say it's coming! I haven't forgotten about this and i really hope you haven't either. I'm fucking swamped right now with work trying to finish everything up before the college year ends, and i sorta made a deal with myself not get distracted with this (alcohol is bad enough) until my assignments are out of the way. but please, if you were enjoying what i was doing so far, then stick with me yeah!_


	10. to build a home

**Ridiculous amount of time I know. Blame college, having an amazing summer, and then college again. Really though I think I just lost motivation and there's no point in writing something if you're not enjoying it is there? Anyway, I don't even know if anyone's still interested in this and I'm sure it'll be long forgotten but I suddenly felt like getting back into it so there we go :) **

**I wouldn't say this chapter's exactly worth fuck knows how many months wait, but it's the first of Emily's, and there'll probably be at least 2 more to follow straight on in her point of view. Right then, and if you were at some point waiting for me to update this then i'm sorry i didn't get my arse in gear sooner!**

* * *

Emily (part 1).

You've come to realise that Naomi, is one of those near insufferable types, who knows something about just about everything.

It's pretty annoying actually, and you tell her as much, like when you're holed up in your room comparing notes, and she'll get this smug, almost arrogant look about her, about to tell you where you've gone wrong. You'll call her out on it, smirk until she stops mid sentence and realises how pompous she sounds, and then she's biting her lip shyly until she's laughing with you.

And it's pretty wonderful you think, that that's all it takes from you to loosen someone up that's as wound tight as Naomi can be.

You don't tell her that though, just like you don't tell her that really, when she's not being smug about it, Naomi's knowledge, her passion, is something which stirs up a multitude of feelings in you, and annoyance doesn't even make the list.

Because she knows such a lot, Naomi, about politics, Shakespeare, the impacts of globalization on the developing world…

She knows how you like your tea, that you can't face a fag until about noon when you've had a good meal but after that you smoke like a chimney. That you can't sleep unless your feet are cocooned within the duvet (granted she rolls her eyes fondly at this one).

Yeah, she's just one big fucking beacon really.

Until you remember that she isn't, as you watch her leave you behind (so shaken, like she's just heard the most shocking and terrible news in her life). And it's such a paradox, how someone who knows _so much_could not have seen this coming, when all the while you'd known from the start.

The start, at least for you, happened a lot sooner than that day at the reception. And that, is something Naomi does not know.

* * *

You're in a lecture during first week of term and the guy talking is seriously making you question the merits of this uni, a prize arsehole you decide even though he probably knows his stuff, it's all in his delivery, and the way he's striding around, sizing everyone up within eye line, daring, almost begging someone to question him. It sort of reminds you of college, and as he's going on about critical analysis and how it's the key you hear Katie's voice in your ear.

"_Dunno about you babes, but I reckon the only thing in need of critical analysis here is that lilac jumper."_

You smile. And then you sigh, because in reality this couldn't be farther away from college, and you have to remind yourself that that's exactly what you wanted.

You're broken out of your thoughts by someone scoffing loudly at whatever the lecturers said, and it's not loud enough for him to hear but it's enough for you and several others to turn in direction it came from.

And that's when you see her, she doesn't notice you on account of scowling at the people in the nearer vicinity before they hastily retreat back to their notes (and you're honestly thankful she hasn't spotted you, because you're not sure what exact expression is on your face right now but you've got a feeling it resembles one of those old cartoon character when they'd laid eyes on a particularly juicy piece of meat.) You want to look away like the others, away from this girl who's now sitting back with her arms folded and a look on her face that's saying she's in on a secret that the rest of the world isn't, yet you just can't. And it's then that you catch it, as you're just staring openly, the smallest flicker of doubt.

And suddenly, it feels like you know a secret too.

* * *

You don't think of her. Why would you? You've never spoken and she's merely one of the many nameless faces you now pass by each day, a beautiful face you can't deny but ultimately, just a girl. And whatever your recent coming to terms with how you feel about girls may be it's no cause to go fantasising about one that doesn't even know you exist. Even if, for a split second in that room, you'd felt like you saw a glimpse of something people rarely get to see in anyone, the face beneath the mask.

After all, you know all about masks.

You're lots of things, and whilst you don't want the fact that you're gay to define you, you're not prepared to let it stifle you either, the way it did back home until finally you took the plunge and were met with such bitterness, such lack of empathy from your mother that you knew you'd never be able to breathe properly until you'd gotten away.

It feels like a big deal, to just get it out there in the open right away. _No more hiding_, you tell yourself.

As it turns out, you need the pep talk about as much as you need condoms because when it finally does come up in conversation with your flat mates, one night over drinks a few weeks in when Thomas and Panda have succumbed to the inevitability of becoming a couple (something you would of happily placed a bet on by your first evening together), panda suggesting potential 'hunks of burning love' to set you up with and you know, that this where you make that last transition from who you were to who you want to be.

You might as well of announced you were going to stick the kettle on for reaction it gets. Only it's not like with your dad, when you knew he wasn't taking you seriously, it's just that it doesn't _matter_, because as you look at the faces of JJ, Thomas and Panda, the smiles they're giving you aren't because of a joke you never made, they're of understanding. And you get it then, that maybe you're not the only one who knows how it feels to be a little different from everybody else.

And yeah, maybe you're just lucky to of been put those kinds of people, and you know that it won't be that easy every time (Christ do you know that). But it gives you a feeling of hope for what's to come, when until now all you could really think of was what was left behind, and you know that all of this was the right decision.

You're optimistic, sure even, that there are plenty more people to meet over the next few years that'll welcome you just like this.

Which is why, you don't find yourself looking out for the girl in that lecture or any others, you definitely don't find your head snapping at the slightest glimpse of blonde around campus, and you most certainly don't feel disappointment settle in your chest when whoever it is turns out not to be her.

You start to wonder if she wasn't just some fucking mirage your mind conjured in an effort to spice up a particularly dull lesson.

* * *

It's an evening in early November when you're letting yourself out of your building, the need for fags overriding your reluctance to face the cold when you spot her, stepping out of a block of flats just across the way and you don't know if it's the seeing her again or the possibility that she lives just meters away but suddenly you're warm. She's lighting up, or having trouble with it from what you can make out and it feels like a chance. Your lighter now weighing heavy in your pocket, you could go over, you could-

Your startled by your phone ringing, reach for it distractedly and when you look back over the girls managed to have some success and is now puffing away gratefully. You hit the answer button with a sigh.

"Hey Katie."

"Hey bitch" comes the voice of your twin, and really you think wryly, the distance has made her nothing if not more loving.

"What happened to ringing me last night?"

"I did ring Kate, you were wankered remember? Kept chatting up the taxi driver whenever I tried to talk so in the end I left you to it."

"Really?" she snorts, "fucked if I know, must have been more gone than I thought, see what happens when you're not here to keep me in check."

You stop laughing then, can feel the conversation already shifting in the direction the majority have done since you moved here, the ones where Katie goes away angry and you end up feeling guilty despite your best judgment and you really haven't got the energy today for any of it.

"Katie…" you start, weary.

"Yeah yeah alright Em's. I know Okay, I'm not gonna start." Seems you're not the only one. "God, i'm allowed to miss you aren't I?"

It tugs at your heart a bit, because it sounds like she's actually asking when the Katie you know was always in the habit of just taking, and even though that was sometimes the problem you don't ever want to be in the place where she has to ask for this.

"Course you are, stupid cow. I miss you too yeah?"

"Yeah." She replies considerably perked up, starts to tell you about a boy she met the night before and you close your eyes as you listen because it's true, you really _do _miss your sister. It's why it's such a shame that it took so much drama, and you moving hundreds of miles away for her to start acting like one.

"How's the job going Kate?"

"Ergh, were you even listening to me Ems? It's the same as bloody always so why don't you talk about something that's actually worth the money this calls costing me yeah and tell me if you've been getting any up in Manchester?"

"No." you laugh "I haven't."

A tut from the other end, "And here's me thinking you only went away so you can muff dive till your hearts content and you're telling me you've not met _anyone?_"

Involuntarily your eyes find blonde, and you watch the now retreating figure of the girl as she lets herself out of the gates.

"No, I haven't met anyone yet."


	11. crowd surf off a cliff

**Clearly I'm getting much better at this updating thing, and that's largely to do with all the alerts, reviews and one particularly lovely message i got. So yeah, this one's for you :) I hope it doesn't disappoint and I'd appreciate any feedback because i know it's seriously lacking in Naomi but i just think I needed to keep building my Emily up for things to make sense. I'm not sure how good of a handle I've got on her or any of the fitches to be honest, I'm definitely at my most comfortable when i write Naomi (probably because I'm most similar to her haha) so your thoughts on this are most welcome, what's working for you and especially what isn't, i wanna hear it because to be honest i still feel pretty rusty haha.  
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* * *

Emily (Part 2)

November gets swallowed up in a flurry of assignments, flat parties and the haze of too much spliff and not enough sleep. You barely have time to stop and consider anything, and so by the time December rolls around the prospect of Christmas break hits you in full force, leaves a knot in your belly that just won't lift.

You could stay, but Katie's having none of that and after a curt phone call with your mum, and a slightly more pleasant one with your Dad you accept that you might just be onto a losing battle, grudgingly concede that half of it was with yourself anyway.

* * *

It starts in a club, as these things so often do, with a girl eyeing you up from the other end of the bar and you don't know if this is the first time this has happened to you, or if you just haven't been paying attention. And you're not usually one to take notice of your sisters pearls of wisdom but maybe in this case she had a point, and it's what makes you go over. (She's got blonde hair and blue eyes, it's nothing more than coincidence.)

You've fucked 9 girls in the space of 2 weeks before you're glancing at the calender on your wall one morning through bleary eyes and wondering just _what _exactly you're trying to prove.

But you're not done, decide that the night before you go back to London will be one to remember, or rather, _to not_ you think with a wry smile as you apply the last of your make up.

You look good, and you know as you head into Canal Street with some of the girls from your course that the chances of you going home alone are slim to fucking none.

This girl is rough, (and brunette, you can't help but note triumphantly) sliding two fingers into you at once and fucking you hard and fast with no let up. And you're just taking it, spurring her on and pulling her to your neck as you cry out.

You ignore the emptyness after, the niggling voice telling you this isn't what you really want.

* * *

Katie meets you at the station, holds onto you so tight that oxygen starts to become an issue and you have to ease her off gently just to get some air back into your lungs. She considers you then, in that way that she does, all raised eyebrows like suddenly you're back in your bedroom waiting for your outfit to get the Katie Fitch stamp of approval and you can't help but shift self consciously, think of old habits and how they never really die.

Her gaze comes to rest on your throat and you watch as identical brown eyes narrow.

"Guess I don't need to ask about your love life again do I? Come on." She says with a look that implies she most definitely _will_ be asking you a series of questions later.

Mostly though, she just looks happy to see you, which is confirmed when she gives you another brief hug before picking up the heaviest of your bags and heading for the exit.

You don't really know what you were expecting but the unmistakable sense of relief floods through you anyway.

* * *

"Here she is!" booms your Dads voice the second you're over the threshold and you just about have the time to drop your bags before you're engulfed in another life debilitating hug from him and your brother.

You're wondering how many more of them you can take before your mum's voice sounds from the kitchen doorway and you remember that that's probably not going to be an issue.

"Hello Emily." She sounds stilted, restrained, like she's had several discussions about how this whole visits going to go and then practiced extensively how to greet you in the mirror.

All very likely you think, and steel yourself before turning around to face her.

"Hi mum."

You're being appraised again (they're so alike, your mum and Katie, it's really them that could be twins) except this time you're a hell of a lot more nervous, and even more ready for a confrontation.

Whatever resolve she has must be holding, because soon she's lowering her eyes and telling you to go and get settled before dinner, leaves the hallway and takes the tension with her, like air out of a balloon.

This time though, you think you feel the slight creep of disappointment instead of sharing everybody elses relief.

* * *

Dinner is a bit of strange affair on account of the fact that your mum still won't look at you, something which is made entirely more ridiculous by the fact that the whole conversation is geared around you. Your dad's asking you countless questions about your course and looks positively enthralled by your responses, even though you know that literature just isn't his thing at all.

And you want to hug him then, for being him, and for trying to parent you enough for the both of them.

But you're not going to dwell tonight, not when the second the cutlery's down you and Katie are hot tailing it to the chippy for some real food. (It's an old routine you've followed since you were about 13 that never fails to give either of you a massively over the top sense of mischief, has you both giggling like you still are.) Not when you go out to a club and Katie falls flat on her arse trying to dance to Rihanna, recovers admirably and gamely keeps a grip on you for the rest of the night.

And not when you're curling up in your bed to the sound of her breathing from the other side and you realise you've sort of missed it, not sleeping alone.

* * *

It continues, this dancing around the fucking elephant In the room and by the time the first week's drawing to a close you've had it with just about all of them, yourself included for going along with the whole charade.

In the time you've been there your mum's said about twenty words to you and because none of them were 'get out' it feels as if everyone expects you to be grateful.

She's got too much power, because they've all surrendered it to her, and it's everything you hated for so long and you just don't know how much longer you can stomach it.

You just have to stick Christmas day out, you'll see the new year in back at uni. The thought of an escape helps keep back the tears that were threatening to spill over and really you just don't want to cry about this any more.

It's James who finds you there, huddled by your window and wondering whether to just throw yourself out of it. Instead, you hand his arse to him on xbox, and for a bit everything seems brighter again.

* * *

Hindsight is just a bugger really, because by the evening of the 25th you're wondering how any of you ever thought that this stalemate could survive a holiday that's as claustrophobic and as downright boozy as Christmas. You should of seen it coming, what with that third glass of wine sat there like a warning.

"So, Emily," She starts halfway through dinner, and her tone gives nothing away but you're immediately on alert. "You're going back on the 28th hmm? That's a bit earlier than we thought isn't it Rob?"

He smiles and nods but you don't miss the sudden tension in his shoulders.

"Mind you." She says, downing what's left of the glass and swiftly pouring another. "If I didn't know any better...I'd say she had a boy waiting for her, wouldn't you?"

It's tame really, compared to what you've dealt with before and you know you shouldn't take the bait. Blame it on pent up frustration, or the fact that she's _still_ not really addressing you but suddenly you're really fucking angry. Katie must sense it because you feel a hand on your knee beneath the table, steady, comforting. And you wonder then if maybe some things really have changed around here when you glance up and see the look she's directing at your mum.

"Jen..." Your Dad tries, shuts up immediately when he sees the look on her face.

She changes tack, hammering at buttons and seeing which one sends this whole thing up in flames.

"I've got a good mind to stop you going back there all together, we should never of let you go in the first place."

"It wasn't your decision." you say, surprised at the steadiness of your voice. "And it isn't now."

No one's even pretending to eat now, all eyes darting between you and her and it just all feels so inevitable.

"Don't speak to me like that Emily, I'm your mother."

"Yeah? Could of fooled me."

That throws enough fuel to the proverbial fire and it's Katie who steps in to do some damage control.

"Fucks sake, can we not do this now, or like, at all? It's Christmas day!"

Your mum bats it off, leans in towards you and finally, _finally_ meets your eyes, makes her voice sickly sweet.

"I know you think I'm the enemy sweetheart, but I know what's best for all my kids. Just look at the way you came back here, you looked like you'd been roughed up! You're too young to be living so far away from home, just like you're too young to know what you are."

"Roughed up?" you scoff, "Well, I suppose I was, but not in the way you're implying mum. I'm sorry I didn't have time to make myself more presentable for you all_,_ but staying up all night shagging can do that, which I was, and _she_ was quite good actually. So believe me, _i know_."

You sit back, take a satisfied sweep around as you gauge the effects of that little outburst. Katie's shaking her head disbelievingly, James looks more like a kid on Christmas than he has all day and your Dad just looks asif he'd rather be anywhere but at this table. You share his sentiments entirely.

"It's all rebellion, you think I don't know you but I do. You've always been in your sister's shadow and now, you think this is the only way to get noticed."

You balk at that, because whilst it holds an element of truth it's just _not _and you can't stand the way she's looking at you now like she's just hit the mother load.

"I've had enough." you say, pushing back on your chair and practically running to your room, nearly slamming the door off it's hinges and trying to control your breathing.

Katie's not far behind you.

"Did you have to do that?"

"What?" you spit, because what did you do really? Except of course you know, but you're not ready to face the fact that this was something you've been orchestrating for weeks.

"You fucking know what Em's, egg her on, give her the ammo she needs, haven't you learned anything by now?"

"And why should I have to just lie down and take it? Why should I put up with any of this? I don't fucking need to keep her happy any more Katie this isn't my home. And if you can't see how fucked up this whole thing really is then you can just piss off now."

"Hey, bitch! I'm on your fucking side remember? But if you're gonna go down that route then she has a point doesn't she? How did leaving make this _any _better? You've just made it a million times easier for her to believe whatever she wants to believe."

You sigh, because it's not the worst point she could of made and you sit on your bed, the fight drained out of you just like that, watch as she mirrors your actions.

"I know, alright? I know what you're saying but, fuck... This isn't about _her_. Don't any of you get that? My life and my choices, they're just that. They're not something to be put on display for our mum to judge or try and make her understand the world a little better, that's not my responsibility."

"What, and trying to ram it down her throat whenever you do come here is a more healthy way to deal with things is it? I do know you Emily, and gay or not you're not a slag, I think that title has been bestowed on me for a few years now yeah?" she says with a weak laugh, before cocking her head and looking at you seriously. "It's never really been you has it? You're too much of a bloody sap."

"It's not you either Kay." You say gently.

"Yeah, I know, but try telling some of my exes that." She smirks, and then in a much smaller voice, adds "I really do wish you'd stayed. We would of figured it out, I'd of had your back."

"No you wouldn't." you say, and it's not at all bitter. "I love you Katie, and don't get me wrong I'm grateful for the way you've been these past few months, but lets not pretend that me going isn't the reason behind this big change between us."

She turns away at that, and you soften your tone even more because this just needs to be out there.

"You needed me to break away to see that I wasn't you."

She's hugging you then, and pressing a kiss to your temple as she says "I'm sorry."

"It's alright" you say. And it is.

* * *

You're back in Manchester for the new year just like you planned, the rest of your stay being fairly trouble free considering, and you figure your Dad must of finally managed to locate his balls and have a word.

Unfortunately, you appear to be the only one who decided to return early and so instead of going out you settle in your room for new years eve with the TV and enough of Thomas's spliff to last you well into 2011. To be honest it's nice, you need a night to just chill out and process the past couple of weeks, and new year's always been hugely overrated anyway.

It must be the weed really, that carries your mind over to that fucking girl because _honestly,_ you don't even know her name. Yet you're here wondering where she is and what she's doing, if she's had a good Christmas and just, the lameness hasn't escaped you.

You did see her though, a couple more times before the break, and every time you were hit with this inexplicable need to introduce yourself, maybe make her laugh, because she always looks so bloody serious, not to mention completely unapproachable and it's why you can never quite muster up the confidence to follow it through.

But something about her makes you really want to. You're just not sure you really understand what it is, or why.


	12. i'll believe in anything

**what you get when i'm too poor to go out and too pissy about that to do college work: longest chapter ever.**

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Emily (Part 3)

There are no more sexcapades after Christmas, and you do your best not to have any more thoughts about _that_ girl, because it's sort of pathetic, this feeling you have that you know her when you really really don't.

* * *

Fridays are by far your best on account that you don't have any lectures until 2 and it allows you the luxury of a well deserved lie in. For some reason today though you wake up much earlier than normal and after several attempts at getting back to sleep you're throwing the covers back in a huff and on the hunt for some breakfast.

You've been engaged in a staring contest with the sad, and frankly a bit stale looking remnants of your bread loaf (like it'll suddenly be intimidated into becoming something more edible) for about 5 minutes, before resigning yourself to the fact that you'll have to venture out if you want to get fed today.

The shop off campus is out of the question since you're determined to allow yourself some element of laziness, and so you find yourself at the vending machines in reception ready to just raid the fuck out of it, allow yourself a smirk at the thought of your parents being able to see you now, eyeing up four different chocolate bars with barely concealed delight. You never quite get to act on that that little rebellion though as you hear a disagreement at the main desk cranks up a few decibels behind you.

And of course it's her. The girl who, for the better part of 3 months now has creeped her way into your consciousness for reasons you still don't understand. You can't help but smirk at the way she's just taking out the brunt of her obvious hangover on this idiot behind the desk and it's only when you realise what they're actually arguing over that the opportunity dawns on you, and you thank whatever good sense you have to always carry your money.

The words are out of your mouth before you can stop them (not that you'd _want_ to) and then she's looking right at you, and the knowledge that this is the first time she ever has keeps you rooted to the spot for a second, has you tingling all over. You think you see something in her eyes that looks a lot like appreciation as she looks you up and down, but it's gone before you can be sure and now she's just staring at you rather vacantly. It makes you a little unsure, like this might have been a mistake after all and you're about to get the second barrel from this girl who from what you've seen doesn't have much time for social niceties. But fuck that you think, and instead of cowering away you meet her head on, raise your eyebrows with a confidence you didn't even know you had that seems to startle her into speech.

"Why would you do that?" she asks, and you have to bite back a laugh at the totally skeptical look on her face, like there must be an ulterior motive, and you remember then how that's probably a little closer to the truth than you'd like to admit, flush a little despite yourself because really it's not relevant, you know you'd do this for anyone. You decide against it though, suspect laughing in her face probably wouldn't go down all that well and so you push on.

Your heart feels like it's hammering throughout the entire thing and so you have no idea how you not only manage not to come off like a complete weirdo, but actually be kind of charming, managing to make her smile more than once and you decide then and there that it's something she should be doing all the time because it really is lovely.

You chat amiably as you walk to her room, swapping a couple of anecdotes of stories you've heard about the wankers who work on reception. You'd be lying if you said it didn't feel a little surreal, to be in such proximity of her, actually _talking _to her, but you know you need to just shake these kind of thoughts right out if you're to stand any chance of getting to know her like you so clearly want to.

As you walk from her room you can do little to quell this sense of accomplishment that pulses through you, or the notion that you were supposed to get up early today, supposed to witness that spectacle at the reception because yeah it wasn't a lot, it wasn't fireworks or a chorus of hallelujahs and perhaps it was a little awkward towards the end but it got you that first introduction, it got you her name.

_Naomi,_ you can't help but think it suits her beautifully, and you really do have to roll your eyes at yourself then because Katie's right about you, you've always been too much of a dreamer.

* * *

Your next encounter with Naomi is a little more brief, and slightly more disappointing. And you admonish yourself almost immediately for feeling that because what were you expecting, for her to sidle up next to you and spend the rest of the lecture giggling and passing notes? You shake your head at the stupidity of it, because even though you're not proper friends at all you're fairly certain that Naomi's not the type to act like that even if you were.

Uni life provides a lot to keep you occupied, particularly when it's shaping up to be all the things you hoped it would. One night, a few days after that lecture, you Panda and Thomas decide to sample the delights of the fucking ridiculously potent weed they brought back from her Aunts after Christmas. JJ rattles off the 101 reasons why it's not a good idea and frets about inhaling the fumes, to which Thomas just ruffles his hair and you and JJ share a look before a completely random noise from outside throws you all off and has you descending into waves of giggles even though it really isn't that funny.

"See!" says JJ, trying to sound self righteous but failing hugely since it's between chuckles "Bloody passive smoking!" And it only makes you all laugh again.

You all fit, you think. And It's such a foreign and altogether brilliant feeling that it makes you feel lightheaded in a way that has nothing at all to do with the weed.

* * *

The only thing dampening the experience is money, since despite trying to carefully ration there's been one too many nights out to pass up on and your bursary just won't accommodate for your social life as well as the need to eat. You're too proud to ask for help from home, even to your Dad (your mum obviously out of the question) and so there's only one thing for it, and you head down to the library to make up some CV's.

You're busy, busy enjoying it all, almost too busy really, to think of Naomi but when you do it's with a lot more easiness than before you met her properly. And you start to think that maybe all that beforehand was just fueled by a curiosity about someone that's undeniably intriguing.

So when you're on your way back from a job interview a week later and bump into of the girls you pulled before Christmas, who seems very pleased to see you and asks if you fancy going later on, you think _why not? _Your head back then not being in nearly as good a place as it is now and you figure that'll have a large impact on at least making the second meeting less seedy.

Unfortunately you forgot that your head was also in a much more _drunk _place the first time you met her, and you marvel at the effects of booze and its ability to make people seem fifty times more interesting than they really are. You're leaning back against the bar, doing a quick scan of the place as you contemplate texting Panda and asking her to do a fake emergency call, when you see Naomi.

Except it's not _just_ Naomi at all, It's Naomi and a girl who's so intimidatingly stunning, in this ethereal fucking model lookalike way that has you, in your fitted vest top and cardigan feeling like a 5 year old in comparison. And straight away you know, from the way she's touching Naomi, the way her hands just seem to _know_ how to touch her that this is nothing like your own situation, it's much much more, and the feeling you have in your gut dispels any ideas you had about not really giving a shit.

Naomi's head snaps up then, like she could sense she was being watched, her face flickers in recognition before she must interpret whatever look that's on your face right now to be one of judgment, and you watch hers morph into a sort of defiant scowl.

And well come on, you're not about to let any wires get crossed about _that_ and so you turn to the girl you're with, (who you think is literally talking about rocks, okay you've found out she does geology but at a club, really?) pull her in close enough until you're crashing your lips against hers, and opening her mouth with yours to slip your tongue inside. And great, she probably thinks you have some sort of rock fetish now but whatever, it's a message you needed to get out there loud and clear. Only when you turn back to get your reaction, Naomi's nowhere to be seen.

* * *

You get the job, which isn't surprising since you're pretty sure you could do it with your eyes shut. Its shit, and minimum wage but you have to take what's on offer, even if it does mean that when you tell your sister about the uniform you've got to wear she laughs out loud and says _"Butcher the better right? Thought it'd be right up your street that."_

It's your 3rd shift in as many days, you're making the conscious effort to get there early since the manager seems to be a bit of a bitch, and so it means that you end up with about 20 minutes or so to mill about in the staffroom before your shift begins.

You're not even nearly prepared for who walks in 5 minutes later.

Naomi, looking like she's just realised she's the victim of a practical joke as she steps in and haughtily accusing you of stalking.

Which really, you can't help but let your lips curl a bit at that because for whatever she doesn't know about your particular interest regarding her, _that _has just never been the case.

You crack a bit of a line that highlights the ridiculousness of what is now both your jobs and it does what you intended, breaks the ice a bit so she's laughing, and it's really something magnificent, not the laughter, although that's great as well, but the way that, as she banters with you, you feel like you're watching walls melt with each second that passes.

And you have to tell your brain to just shut the fuck up when it starts bleating about things like _fate _again, but it doesn't stop what comes out of your mouth next.

"_Maybe we should see each on purpose?"

* * *

_

It changes everything. Everything's _better_ somehow, with Naomi. Even the things you thought you had pretty good like your flat-mates (who of course welcome the new and increasingly frequent visitor with open arms) who had never felt lacking in the slightest, but each day with Naomi just feels like the filling of a void you weren't even aware of.

This is what it's like, to have a best friend you think. Not like Katie, where you're just born into the same family and forced to grow with one another, but someone who's choosing to know you, that cares freely, because they _want to._

You're starting to feel like Naomi does.

It's in the little things, the way she'll check over your assignments when you're feeling worried despite having a mountain of her own to do before rolling her eyes affectionately once she's read it and accusing you of fishing for compliments. Or maybe it was when you were teasing her over her coffee addiction in reference to that day you first spoke (_"anyone who can't even put a brush through their hair_ _because their that gasping for a cup has definitely got it bad Naoms") _and you mention offhand yours and Katie's hangover tradition of hot chocolate and films you had when you lived back home. And perhaps it's the way your voice rasps a bit more than usual whenever you talk about those kinds of things that makes Naomi turn up at your flat the following Sunday, after a particularly heavy night before with a jar of hot chocolate, breezing past you and just making herself right at home on the sofa, looks up at you with a smirk and a "I'll let you pick the film shall I?"

And even though you feel you can talk to her about just about anything, it's those little things which go unspoken that you're starting to think mean the most.

* * *

It's all very well, very _friendly, _you won't let yourself think it could be anything else; because it's a bloody great picture, but there's already too much wrong with it.

Because friends don't find themselves staring for too long when you're out having a quick fag before your lecture and you can't not look at how the sun catches her hair in a way that's just so, makes you want to keep the image in your mind and hold onto it. Friends don't insist that when their friend stays over, she sleeps on the floor, pretend it's because you like your space when really you just don't trust yourself not to do something that would ruin everything. Friends don't think liken the friendship to treading in quicksand, feel like everyday they're sinking into something further and further that they'll never come back out of.

And they don't get jealous, when they know their friend is with their _girlfriend. _

Naomi doesn't talk much about Effy beyond, _"I'm going out with Effy tonight"_ or _"Effy's staying here." _And you're grateful, because you know she's there, and that's enough.

It's just that at times; it can really feel like it might not be.

You're at work, and you're boss must think you're a hit with the customers or something because this is about the 7th shift in a row where she's put you on the tills. And it's alright, seems to make the time go quicker at least, it just means you can't really piss about with Naomi, note with a grin that that's probably the real reason the boss has put you there.

If somebody wants a pair of shoes at your place, they're put behind the till by the shoe staff for the customer to then come and pay for them there, seems daft to you but there's always a few chavs who think they can get away with nicking from here and so you suppose it's probably best to take all the precautions they can.

It's simple enough anyway, unless it's today, when you go to get the shoes the woman's described and realise there's only one in the box. You're not allowed to leave till area and you can already sense the woman's growing impatience so you ask the first person from shoes who you see if she can sort it out for you. She's newish, and apparently a fucking bitch since she starts shouting at you there and then about how she didn't even _serve_ the woman and doesn't she have enough to do without you fucking bothering her, before stalking off to do some other job that's clearly more important than anyone else's in this shit hole.

You're so shocked, because fucking hell, it was a pair of _shoes_ for Christ sake, but she really let rip and you feel your face grow hot when you realise the customers just watched the whole thing.

When it's sorted, you ask one of the lads who isn't a total cunt to watch the till for you whilst you sort a few things out back.

You're walking towards the store-room when you catch the back end of a conversation and recognize it as the shoe girl. Apparently still not over it, and obviously bitching about you to anyone that will listen. Unfortunately for her, the person she's chosen is Naomi, who's facing you as you walk in, clearly picks up from the expression on your face that the 'stupid bint' she's been referring to is you, looks back at the girl with a deep frown.

"Yeah? Well she asked about a pair of shoes, she didn't piss on _yours_. So why don't you just grow up, and fuck off, because I couldn't give a toss."

The girl turns around and sees you then, looks so startled and embarrassed you almost feel sorry for her before she scurries out the room not looking at either of you.

"Hi." Naomi grins, making it impossible for you not to smile back.

"Just been having a chat with Melissa there, _lovely girl_. Thinks you're not pulling your weight. Tut tut Ems."

You flip her off which she laughs at, move over to the filing cabinet she's currently leaning on and get out what you need.

"What would I do without you eh? My very own knight in shining umbro armor."

She snorts just like you knew she would.

"Just sticking up for you aren't i?"

You shut the drawer on the cabinet and face her.

"I can look after myself you know?" you say, because despite 99% of the people you've met in your life thinking your some sort of pushover, you can.

She stops smiling and frowns a bit at that.

"Yeah…Yeah I know you can, of course you can."

You think it might be the first time you've ever really seen her look unsure. And you know that you're being unnecessarily harsh but it's all just getting to you. And Naomi's not helping when she places a hand on your shoulder, strokes her thumb up and down and says "sorry." In a much smaller voice than before.

You sigh; have to bite the inside of your cheek to stop yourself from saying completely stupid like _'Not as sorry as I am.'_

* * *

It was only a matter of time before Naomi started to question your love life, or rather, the lack there of.

What you say, is that you can't seem to want anything unless it's worth it, but what you mean is _'I can't seem to want anyone that isn't you.'_

And fuck it all, you can't carry on like this, always wanting more and seeing things that aren't there.

"Shut up I'm serious, Love yeah? It's the fucking be all and end all isn't it? everyone's either in it or searching for it, and that fucking you're talking about, that's just another method of looking."

You really do believe what you're saying, but you won't deny you're fishing.

I mean...you've been with Effy for awhile now right? Christ you moved here together. You know what i'm talking about."

And you need to know, you need Naomi to tell you something that will put a stop to this once and for all, that's going to yank you right out of the sand.

She doesn't give it to you, not even a little. But what was that before? About the unspoken things, it's there, its right there when you look at her, and realise that perhaps you're not the only one who's in trouble.

* * *

Things carry on as normal, but that moment in the park becomes something you revisit in your head a lot over the next month, because it's the only time where you ever felt like you had something solid telling you you're not alone in all this. And you have to keep going back because Naomi's giving nothing else away, and when you're together, it's exactly the same.

The differences, manifest when you're _not._ Naomi's spending more time with Effy, and you find yourself wondering about them more than you ever allowed yourself to before, all you know is that Effy is apparently very quiet, and that Naomi is nothing if not complicated and neither of those things tell you a great deal about what they might be like together.

It's the Friday night during reading week when you get your answer.

Naomi had text you to say she was going to spend it at Effy's halls and you'd not known what to do with that so you spent your own doing some actual _reading_ and avoiding clubs or bars where you thought you might bump into them.

She turns up at 3am looking nothing like the person you've seen every day for the past 2 months.

"I'm fucked Ems..I'm sorry, I feel shit and I.. I just didn't want to be on my own, do you mind if I stay here?

And this is Naomi you think, who is self assured, sarcastic, and almost arrogant but never scared, at least not like this, never lost. Your heart clenches.

"Come on."

She follows, and you turn around as she changes into the pajamas you give her.

And you can tell she doesn't want to talk, but you just need to know how this happened.

"I was with Effy"

And suddenly you see it written all over her, their relationship.

She can't stop trembling and you do what you can, but when you feel her breath on your neck you can't suppress a shiver, or the voice in your head that's saying how this isn't _fair_. You push it away though, because it's not about that tonight. It's about what Naomi needs, and how you'll do your best to give it to her. Everything else can wait for now.

* * *

Of course, it can't keep for long, not when Naomi's feeding you the biggest load of bullshit and just expecting you to open up and swallow.

"It isn't any of your business Emily!"she's shouting now. She's never done it before, and it almost makes you drop it, until you remember how she was last night, how worried you were, and fuck that you think.

"You don't think you made it my business just a little bit, in coming here?"

As you say it, you're wondering if this is what it will take, to get to the bottom of everything, and you're more than ready to go down this route if it's the case.

"Look, I'm sorry, if it seems like I dragged you into something last night, that stuff fucks you up, I wandered off and we got separated. It's my fault, I panicked and I needed a friend, which I appreciate, Okay Em?"

And just like that, she's reminded you of your place.

When she leaves, you think about what you know, what you _thought_ you knew, until you just watched Naomi defend the fuck out of a bullshit story you know even she wasn't buying, and realise that there is still so much you don't understand.

* * *

What you do understand now, is that whatever it is between the two of them, it's not good.

But trying to make her see that by pointing out what's so obviously wrong to you isn't going to work, because it's obviously something, there's no way Naomi would take that kind of a stunt from anyone else.

And Naomi's much too headstrong anyway, it's one of the things you like so much. You want it to be down to her.

All you can do is be you, and be patient.

* * *

It's a joke, when she says you're distracting her, you know that. But it makes you think, about her, this darker side that you only just recently realised was there. How it's thrown into question your whole idea of her, most of it's still true, you know that, you see it everyday. But lately you've found yourself wondering if she really is as strong as you thought she was, strong enough to not let herself get lost in the dark.

You don't want that to happen, and you just think it's time she saw the way you see her, have always seen her.

"I'm serious Naoms, you actually _care_ about things, that's fucking rare. And you're going to do just as well here as you did in college, and you're going to go places and just...I don't know, change things."

"You think I can do that?"

She's really asking you, and you know it was the right thing to do.

"I think you can do anything."

A couple of seconds pass in which you watch a series of different emotions go across her face, and then before you know it she's on her feet, making her apologies and heading for the door. And fuck, because you haven't seen anyone move that fast since the first time you caught James spying on you through the bathroom keyhole.

You think back to her face, the want, and what over rode it, pure undiluted fear.

It feels like the missing piece, and you know without being told, that she's gone to Effy.

It keeps you up, you try not to think of them together and fail miserably. Roll everything around in your head until sleep finally comes.

* * *

When you wake up the next afternoon, the first thing you do is call her and as it clicks straight into voicemail you're suddenly, completely, if not a little irrationally (because really, perspectives and all that) pissed off by the sheer fucking _rudeness_ of it all.

You know what you have to do; you've known it since at least 4am this morning, but chain smoking for the next hour does absolutely nothing to dispel your new anger, and neither does seeing her when you barge into her room half an hour later.

"What the fuck Naomi?" And it's as good a start as any you think, since it covers a lot of what you're feeling at the moment.

"How did you get in here?"

"Your flat mate, like it matters. What's going on?"

You don't know why you play dumb, except that you think you need to hear it from her.

She closes her eyes, as if you're a nuisance, which makes you dig your heels in even more and make it clear to her that you're not going anywhere.

"You're not even going to answer me? You fuck off last night, turn your phone off and now you're not even going to tell me why? Or what I did?"

And then suddenly she's up, up and across the room at that lightning speed again only this time she's not running, and instead she's kissing you like it's all she's ever wanted to do.

It takes your brain a few seconds to catch up, before it's just saying _finally_, and you sigh into it, open your mouth to let her tongue meet yours and when it does, it's like it opens a floodgate in your mind, and all the things you never let yourself think come rushing with full force, about how everything, all of it, has just been leading up to this exact moment, in a chain that both of you were powerless to prevent, and it's so overwhelming that you just need to breathe.

"Fuck."

"I know." And you think that maybe, she might.

She's back on you in a second, even more desperate than the first time and you pull back again.

"What? What's wrong?" And what an odd question you think, because how can anything be wrong when Naomi's in front of you, already a bit breathless, lips already swollen, looking at you through dark hooded eyes, except-

"Nothing it's just, this isn't really how I imagined it would be."

"How you..." and she says confused, before realization hits, and then

"Oh. Oh god, Em.."

Her voice when she says that, hits you hard and low in the stomach and you know you've just gotten more wet.

"Tell me then" she says softly, "tell me how you imagined it."

You reach out for her then, run your fingers through her hair carefully, just once, before resting your hand on the nape of her neck and bringing her down until her lips are inches from your own.

"Show, not tell"

* * *

This time when you kiss, it's slower, more careful, more drawn out, and Naomi gets it, is letting you set the pace, even though the way she's squeezing your hip just a little too hard every now and again tells you that she'd like to be moving this along a little more quickly.

The throbbing between your legs agrees with her, but want to do this for just a little longer, because it's never felt this good to just kiss someone.

She sucks on your bottom lip and you moan, feel her grin in response and god_, it's Naomi,_ you think, and decide then that yeah, there are other things you could be doing that feel just as good.

You undress each other, slowly again, but really neither of you had that much on to begin with and it's not long until you're both completely naked.

And Jesus, she's perfect, and you want to say something, but you're mouth feels too dry. So instead you're just staring, and wondering if her skin feels as soft as it looks when it's Naomi who finds her voice.

"Wow, Emily" she breathes, and you notice now the way she's drinking you in with completely unharnessed desire.

"Yeah?" you rasp, because god, _really?_

"Yeah. Just, yeah." She says, walking backwards towards the bed and sitting on the edge. You swallow hard, and thank god that Naomi's halls have doubles because it's just going to make it that much better.

"Come here."

You go, How could you _not_?

You're straddling her now, whilst she's running her hands down your back and across your stomach and upwards. For few seconds, you're both just watching her touch you, and it does something that, because then you're kissing again and it's fucking heavy with loads more tongue until you're pushing her back, never breaking it.

It's exploration in its best possible form, working your way down the map of Naomi's body, leaving no part unattended. You discover that the underside of her breast is a particularly sensitive spot when you run your tongue along it, elicit a shudder that makes you smile and do it again. But god, she must be sensitive you think, because every time you kiss her almost _anywhere _it results in a whimper, or an 'Emily' that's so low you feel it right between your own legs.

You stop when you reach her cunt, just not for long but long enough for Naomi to say 'please' and you're struck with helplessness at not being able to deny her a thing.

It's fucking amazing, what you're doing, the response you're getting, but you just need to see, so you bring yourself level, and before she can ask what's going on you're inside her.

"Oh! Oh fuck" she says, eyes slipping shut when you curl your fingers.

"Look at me Naoms" you whisper.

She does, her eyes piercing like always and it's all there, the things she just can't or won't say out loud, and it makes you push deeper with your hand, run your thumb across her clit, finally set off a rhythm and you feel rather than hear Naomi's exhale.

When she comes, she clings to your shoulders and cries out your name like they're the only things she's got to hold onto.

Within a minute, she's flipping you over and placing open mouthed kisses down your neck, nipping every now and then and soothing the spot over with her tongue like she really couldn't wait a moment longer.

And you're hit with that amazement again, that 'this is _Naomi,_ Naomi's hand on my thigh, Naomi's mouth on my breast' and you look down just in time to watch her run her tongue across your nipple and you almost come at the sight of it.

Of course you don't though, that comes later, when you've wrapped your legs around her completely, and she's working two fingers in and out of you, pressing kisses along your jaw and saying in a strangled voice "Jesus, you feel so good Emily" and it completely undoes you.

* * *

You know, before you even open your eyes that she's no longer next to you.

"Look at me" you try, because it worked before.

"I can't. I'm sorry."

And then she's gone again, only this time you don't know where.

And once again, your left alone to think about fear, Naomi's and your own, and you feel a fool for believing that if you swallowed your own it would be enough, for now, if you were just brave enough for the both of you.

You're not angry, haven't got it in you anymore.

You think about where to go from here, because there's no doubt that Naomi knows now, and you're at a loss as to what else you can do.

Fighting for someone is one thing, but you're just not sure how to do that when that person is in the battle too.

You've not cried in such a long time. How ironic then, that the person who makes you happiest should be the one to break that resolve.


End file.
